Freak City

My mind is still blank
I speak to you tonight
no words of wisdom

I simply call you
to the attention of this
moment we are in

Lilianna 13

Hehehehe. There's a book about Twink the Fairy- very innocent and cute. But a random search brings up another definition of the word "twink", apparently (and perhaps you all knew this, but I am a secluded boring housewife) a teenage, slim, gay boy. A form of porn. Twink the Fairy is oh so apt.

Poop. I'm not going to have my presents ready in time to mail out and recipients get it before Christmas. Dagnabbit!

because paying for it is so annoying. I went to the emergency room over the summer via ambulance for food poisoning. While at the hospital, they did the whole insurance information thing, and we gave them our new insurance policy card and information. They billed our old insurance company. Big, big headache. The hospital then contacted us to say our insurance company wouldn't pay. Of course not, they billed the wrong one. We sent them the information for our new company AGAIN. But then they apparently took so long to bill the new company that our new company said no. Now what? The ambulance company has now started billing me because the hospital won't fit the bill and they keep sending the bills to the old insurance company which says it won't pay because (duh) we're not with them anymore. GAH!

I'm feeling very good. Strange for this time of year, but this is the first fall in seven years that I am not in school, so I feel quite wide. Open? Spacious? Not sure the word, but as though I'm supposed to be doing something, but when I check, I'm mostly on top of things. No end of semester tests or papers due. Plus, last fall I had three deaths in my family-- and they were people I was close to.

Can't wait for my party in a week. I'll make my own eggnog and meragne's (I caaaan't spell that word.) The eggnog uses the egg yolk and the other things use egg whites- all about balance.

I'm running a Family Storytelling workshop tonite. I'm undercharging because I'm still learning how to be in business. My partner even got annoyed at me for this one. I quoted some stupid rate before I had a chance to think about it. Oh well, at least I'm putting together a good program I can duplicate in another place.

Speaking of working hard for nothing...
I was asked if I'd do a favor for someone and said yes (before I had a chance to think about it- AGAIN.) I was given a tape of a guy I don't know singing a song he wrote for his son into the tape recorder- no accompaniment. I was asked to rerecord it with some guitar or something. So I took the tape and thank God the guy sings relatively in tune so I could figure out what melody he was trying to do. The timing was all over the place, but I just made some executive decisions on that one. The chords that fit were pretty straightforward. And I recorded it in my basement. The whole thing took several hours. And I don't personally know the person it's for. And I'm only an aquaintance of the woman who asked me originally. HOWEVER, it was fun. The song is kinda cute. I used keyboard accompaniment, added a light drum track and everything. I was happy with how it came out and my own family thought it was nice. I hope the guy likes it (and his son.) Sometimes I work hard for the warm fuzzies.

But working hard for something...
I just did a nice paying music gig yesterday and have another this Saturday. My band and I have offically bought a kickin' PA system with the music money from the past two years. I even have some left over to buy a good guitar case (FINALLY!) and next is the "Better Mic Fund" for us.

I Will Save Myself

Bella, give up your helpless ways.
Shauna, rip your bodice yourself.
Stealing my own white horse,
I will save myself.

I’m so sick of reading about you again.
Waiting to be saved by the perfect man.
You don’t exist.
But how many girls want to be like you?

Cut your own hair to escape the tower.
Find your poison, you beautiful flower.
Wake yourself up.
Make all those wild dreams come true.

Bella, give up your helpless ways.
Shauna, rip your bodice yourself.
Stealing my own white horse,
I will save myself.
I will save myself.
I will save myself.
I will save myself.
I will save myself.

You were kicked around in your childhood years,
By adults with their own psychotic tears.
Come join the club.
We watch bad movies and eat cheesecake.



So your adolesence didn’t go as planned.
Your jewel was stolen by an unwanted hand.
You can’t go back.
Nothing left in Eden, but a lying snake.

Bella, give up your helpless ways.
Shauna, rip your bodice yourself.
Stealing my own white horse,
I will save myself.
I will save myself.
I will save myself.
I will save myself.
I will save myself.

Everyone needs to be thrown a rope
When the mudpit sucks you down.
Don’t hold on crying.
Start climbing
Till you find your loving ground.

Bella, give up your helpless ways.
Shauna, rip your bodice yourself.
Stealing my own white horse,
I will save myself.
Bella, give up your helpless ways.
Shauna, rip your bodice yourself.
Stealing my own white horse,
I will save myself.
I will save myself.
I will save myself.
I will save myself.
I will save myself.

My band mates asked me to create some leadsheets for our music so they could better follow along. This is a fair request, and one only I can do since they're my songs and no one else knows the chords. (Lead sheets are the lyrics and guitar chords) But it takes so freakin' long to do! And half, no- MOST of the time, I don't know what chords I'm using, or I'm not using chords found in any damn book I have. But I can't draw quick tab on the computer, so I have to make up some way to communicate through typing what I'm playing. Often I figure out a chord by holding it on the guitar and finding it on the piano, then doing the theory that way since I'm much better naming things on piano than guitar still.

Example: The bridge to one song. F#dim7 chord isn't exactly right because the Eb was in the bass, but it isn't an Ebdim(add minor 6th) because that just looks stupid. And then I slide up four frets with the same shape, which according to the piano is the exact same chord. But it doesn't sound the same, and this time the F# really is in the bass. And then I go to an Em chord, which may sound better with the G in the bass, but I can't make my thumb flip over the guitar that fast, so I just say Em.

And so on.

My own personal notes in my wee moleskin book are mostly tab drawings and some basic chords over lots of lyrics and crossed out lyrics and doodles. So I can't just photocopy that and give it to anyone. Besides, who wants to read the crappy verses that never made the cut?

Anyway, on to the next song to figure out.

I live in a tiny, tiny world.
When I die, it's a tiny, tiny change.
But you and me, skin to skin-
My heart fills the universe.
Fills the universe.
Fills the universe.


I continue on my quest to write the most romantic lyrics that will make a man swoon. This has not happened yet and I feel my talent is wasted because I'm a girl. Damn it, if I wrote those love songs and was a guy, girls would totally swoon! Not fair. Btw, this is the chorus of a new song.

I was tagged by Delphic Days and I still can't directly link to her journal.


A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
B. Tag seven people to do the same.
C. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it."

1. I still can't directly link to someone else lj even though I've been on this thing for years.

2. (In reference to A's quirk) I love total darkness when i'm falling asleep. I used to be obessive about this, making sure the curtains were completely totally closed. I even went so far as to duct tape one set against the wall to keep the light out. I have a cloth over the phone because of the little light on it. Ok, I'm still obessed, but it doesn't bother anyone else because I wear an eye mask or a nightcap pulled over my eyes.

3. I'm really only comfortable sitting with my knees up. My father is like this as well, I'm guessing there's some back issue there.

4. I don't like fruit. I eat them because it's good for me. Exception: raspberries warm off the vine by the fistful.

5. Hands and ears are my turn on for guys. The way he moves his hands around, or touches me casually. And I generally entertain myself waiting in line by imagining myself licking the ear of the nearest male.

6. I am both happy and insulted when people say how nice I look in wigs and hats. This has been since I was a little girl. I know this is because people see my hair first when looking at me. So, taking out the hair and saying I look nice is kinda insulting since I'm sensitive about my hair. But at the same time, I think taking out the hair makes people see that I have a nice face, which is a compliment. (my sister told me that last bit, and it makes sense, and she loves me and thinks I'm beautiful.)

7. When I was little the only thing I wanted to be when I grew up was 'famous.' I think this is sad, but unfortunately it dogs me, and probably will, until the end of my non-famous days. I try to apease myself by saying I'll be posthumously famous when someone catalogs the dozen or so notebooks and binders, and megabytes of stories and musings I have around my house.

I tag:
Zatchmort
Daviot44
hrhleia
jessguyon

I've been watching "Glee" a campy, fun tv musical about high school kids who like to sing and dance. As much as I'm enjoying it, I'm frustrated with the teen pregnancy storyline. It's such a HUGE, HORRIBLE thing. I know that is how teen pregnancy is viewed. Getting pregnant as a teen is on par with landing in jail as far as the media is concerned. And I wish this didn't bother me, but it does. Every since I was pregnant there was a sense that I failed in life. It doesn't matter how much it isn't true, that is the message sent to me by our culture. Just like anyone who is overweight and knows they are healthy and beautiful will be frustrated by the constant reminder that they are not what society considers 'correct'.

While pregnant I woke up in the middle of the night hysterically crying and having a panic attack. This was not because I was having a baby. My fear was change. I hate change (as my song says) and my life was being altered in ways I could not be prepared for; I was set on a new path I knew nothing about, and I could not get off of it. I had leisurely strolled down life's path before, now I was riding a fucking bullet train in the dark. That is what scared me, not the parenting bit. I've always had confidence in my intelligence and strength and compassion- good things for parenting. I just don't like being rushed. And that's what teen pregnancy was about for me.

Sometimes I wonder if I try so hard to do amazing things, push myself to creative limits, to make up for not being the definition of 'successful'. I don't know. Maybe that's just tonite's psychoanalysis. But I do know that our culture shows 'success' in life in terms other than being a good mom. That is not celebrated unless there is something else the mom is doing too. Stay-at-home moms are the lowest tier of respect. I can attest this first hand. Homeschooling moms are like over-achieving stay-at-homes: all their energy in something a basic primate can do and freakish too. Knowing that the main focus of my life is regarded so low in society hurts my heart. It hurts my heart.

I was driving home in my car alone, and started thinking of some sad stuff. Jeff Buckley's version of "Halleluia" came on the radio and was exactly what I needed. So beautiful. I turned into my driveway, but the song had not finished, so I stayed there listening. My kids faces appeared at the door, and quickly they were questioning why I wasn't coming into the house. I calmly tried to pantomime that I was listening to the radio. But they started pantomiming back that they didn't understand, and what was wrong? Trying desperately to continue to enjoy the song, I continue to pantomime: RADIO! LISTENING! OK! Till my son comes out of the house and knocks on the window, just as the last notes of the electric guitar are fading.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I was listening to the radio."
"OH! That's nice."
----

I recently saw a friend. I miss spending regular time with them, but it is impossible, and I think, better this way, but I wish it could be different. At first they were just as enthusiastic as I was in seeing them. But by the end of the night, I got a sweet hug and a pitiful look. Ew. Pity. Pity because it was obvious that I was "desperate", yes, that is the correct word for how I acted. Gotta get a grip.

----
The priest at my church had a kick-ass homily this morning about how ridiculous the Vatican is doing an investigation on how the nuns in America may not be following correct theology with their "liberal" ways. He summed it up with: "I believe that until our church recognizes it's own failings with injustice, we are not allowed to point out the injustices in the rest of the world." But more articulate than that.

---
And now I'm writing "Henry's Hell" a short play about what King Henry goes through every day in Hell being tortured by his wives. It's for a Halloween party at a friend's house.

---
I also have a cold, btw.

www.cdbaby.com/all/rebeccaangel

Back Pocket Tunes is the new one that came out today!

http://www.teenvoices.com/issue_current/articles/oct_09_teenpregnancy.html

I never knew I've grown to resist The Man. I had a job interview today. I've never actually had one in my entire life. I worked as a secretary in high school for two companies: my mom's real estate office and my aunt's doctor's office. No interview needed. Since then I've been my own boss in various settings. I did chat with a couple of people last year when they were wondering if my classes would fit the programs they were running, so I suppose those were interviews. But today I was being asked to chat with several people at once- the heads of the Theater Department at a local college about possibly running their summer camp program. Getting my paperwork together I surprisingly had this conversation with myself:

Change your shirt.
It's a nice shirt.
It's a Tea Punk shirt with a purple-haired girl sticking her pierced tongue out. Not business.
I'm not interviewing for an office job.
It's not professional. Wear one of your button down shirts.
No. This shirt is me.
It's not professional and you want to convey the image that you can be a professional.
No. There's nothing wrong with this shirt. It's not offensive.
Not a shirt to wear to an interview.
No! I don't wear typical business clothes and won't lie about who I am!
You're wearing dark red, velvet stretch pants with a demin jacket and you have big, curly hair. No one will mistake you for a prep.
No!
Change your shirt.
No!

I took a break from agonizing in front of my closet. 20 minutes later, I have to leave and consider calling someone else for their opinion, but I know what the answer will be. And I change my shirt. I look pretty cute too.

Y

Driving to drop the kids off at a program this morning, different drivers did stupid, illegal things that almost got us killed including a large truck coming from the opposite direction crossing several lanes to get into a driveway next to us, and the car in front of us suddenly stopping to make a left hand turn across a quadruple yellow line. Able to swerve around them or stop in time with much beating of my heart.

Then on the way home, on the highway, someone missed their exit and stopped in their lane! Luckily, everyone else in the lane was paying attention and not tailgating, so with much squealing of brakes we all managed to avoid a pile-up, though I was yelling, "Put your heads back! Put your heads back!" to the kids expecting to be hit from behind (try to avoid whiplash.)

And now I'm just eating some chocolate because what else is there to do?

http://sites.google.com/site/warblingswallowadventure

Effortless

No sighs of longing.
No tears of shame.
Cause nothing happened.
When I called your name.

You were honest with me.
But I wasn’t with you.
I’ve played so many games in my head.
To ever know the truth.

You are who you are.
And you made it effortless to see.
There’s no need for my love
to be happy.

You were so good.
Though I tried my best.
You wouldn’t let me fail
my own damn test.

You are who you are.
And you made it effortless to see.
There’s no need for my love
to be happy.

Wondering where you are
and if you’re thinking of me:
I’m trying to keep the leaves
on the tree.

You are who you are.
And you made it effortless to see.
There’s no need for my love
to be happy.

not really about Japan, more about American take on Japanese culture. Reading over the words, um, not very poetic, but it's darn fun to sing :)

I Love You Japan

I love you Japan
Though I’ll never understand
Why the crazy things you do
Make me love you.

Look’s there’s a creepy girl, Lolita
Still I always want to meet her
and ask her where she got those boots
There so damn sexy!
Did you know there’s a museum
dedicated to noodles-Ramen.
Stranger the better.
You always get me!

I love you Japan
Though I’ll never understand
Why the crazy things you do
Make me love you.

Then there’s manga and anime
Styles from ‘ol Steamboat Willy.
I hum those catchy theme songs
That have nothing to do with it!
I sang of love in two-dimensions.
Obsessions I’m too shy to mention.
It’s not how big the sword is,
but how you use it!

I love you Japan
Though I’ll never understand
Why the crazy things you do
Make me love you.

Hey, cute chef, make me some sushi.
So precise like origami.
Tried to drink your powdered matcha:
Taste like veggies.
I’ve learned brushstrokes of your kanji.
Watched ‘Train Man’ and Miyasaki.
J-rock is a lot like pop,
but the boys are pretty….

Boys who look like girls and
girls who look like little girls
And girls who like boys who
like little girls, and girls who like
boys who like boys who look
like girls. Girls or Boys.
Boys or Girls. AHHHH!

I love you Japan
Though I’ll never understand
Why the crazy things you do
Make me love you.

(repeat)

I was on this lj group that was very active. At first it was nice because not much is active on lj. But damn, too active! I just can't keep up, and it was crowding the few people I really want to read up on. So good-bye little busy group. Keep posting without my occasional comment!

I ran into someone this week that I have an...interesting history with (and haven't seen in a few years). I was hanging out with another friend who has no idea who this other person is. As I chatted casually with the person for a few minutes until he went off, I kept thinking, "How can we act so casual? How can you meet this person and not say, REMEMBER??!!!!!"

And I have a lot of stuff on my to-do list. Ugh.